The LAMB Devours the Oscars – Best Original Screenplay

by Dylan · February 21, 2008 · LAMB Devours the Oscars · 2 Comments

Editor’s note: Welcome to the eighteenth of a multi-part series dissecting the 2008 Academy Awards, brought to you by the Large Association of Movie Blogs and its assorted members. Every weekday leading up to the Oscars, a new post written by a different LAMB will be published, each covering a different category (or more) of the Oscars (there are 24 in all). To read any other posts regarding this event, please just click on the tag following the post. Thank you, and enjoy!

By Dylan (Fletch) of Blog Cabins.

FADE IN:

EXT. BUSTLING CITY STREET – EVENING – ESTABLISHING

Steady traffic and countless pedestrians pass by a nondescript diner as a windy, wet day turns into a cold night.

INT. DINER

Though not packed full, this nondescript diner has its share of hungry dinner customers. SLAPPY JONES, 36 is joined by his girlfriend, FIONA DEVINE, 33, and his aging, senile father, THADDEUS JONES, 71. Running late, SLAPPY enters the diner and sits down alongside FIONA and across from THADDEUS.

SLAPPY

Sorry I’m late – work was a bitch.

FIONA

Don’t worry about it. I ordered you a Coke in the meantime. Thaddeus and I just got here about 10 minutes ago. Though if you weren’t here in five more minutes, I was ready to leave your Dad here alone.

SLAPPY

(picks up menu and reads it over)
Tell me about it. Dad, how are you doin’? Hungry?

THADDEUS

I want the Bananas Foster!

SLAPPY

I don’t know about that, Dad. First of all, I don’t think the dessert menu here goes beyond milkshakes and pie, and second, we haven’t even had dinner yet.

THADDEUS

(slamming on table)
I want the Bananas Foster!

FIONA

By the way, did you see that the Academy Award nominations came out today? I can’t believe Lars and the Real Girl got an Original Screenplay one.

SLAPPY

Yeah – what a joke. I mean, the acting was pretty good in that one, but it was like a Hallmark card brought to life. Even the characters in pre-color Pleasantville wouldn’t be that forgiving.

A waitress arrives at their table.

WAITRESS

Have you all made up your minds?

FIONA

What’s today’s special?

WAITRESS

Ratatouille.

FIONA

Why not. I’m feeling a little je ne sais quoi today.

WAITRESS

Huh?

FIONA

Nevermind.

WAITRESS

And for you, sir?

Slappy’s mobile phone starts to ring. He quickly rejects the call.

SLAPPY

(flustered)
Sorry – I’ll have a hamburger, hold the tomato, and fries.

WAITRESS

(motioning towards Thaddeus)
And for you?

(silence)

SLAPPY

Dad, what do you want to eat?

THADDEUS

Six years, Michael! Six years I’ve absorbed this poison! Six years — four hundred depositions — a hundred motions — five change of venues — eighty-four thousand documents in discovery!

SLAPPY

Dad?

THADDEUS

(getting angrier by the second)
Look at me, Michael. Twelve percent of my life has been spent protecting the reputation of a deadly weedkiller!

FIONA

(to Slappy)
You know, I think we better –

SLAPPY

(to Waitress)
Yeah, I think we’re going to have to take a rain check.

WAITRESS

Oh…ok.

SLAPPY

Yeah, my Dad’s probably not gonna make it through dinner with another “incident.” Sorry – let me pay you for the Cokes.

Slappy pays for the drinks and joins Fiona and Thaddeus as they head for the door.

FIONA

(to SLAPPY)
By the way, did I forget to mention that I’m pregnant?

CUT
END SCENE

Thanks to http://www.screenwriting.info for the assistance. Unfortunately, I don’t have the HTML knowledge and/or the time to figure out how to get the dialogue tabbed over like it’s supposed to be – please forgive me, screenplay formatting gods and screenplay writers. Also, thanks to the Michael Clayton screenplay (by Tony Gilroy) for a couple lines of dialogue. As you might have guessed, I’d never written a line of a screenplay before. And let me tell you, it’s not as easy as it looks. For the record, I will be pulling for Juno (of course, it’s a lock to win), though really, anything outside of Lars is a good choice.

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2 Responses to The LAMB Devours the Oscars – Best Original Screenplay

  1. Fletch says:

    Haha – nice find. Axe Murderer is an underrated flick…

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