Sirens of the LAMBs: Cherry Darling vs. Aeon Flux.

by Nick Jobe · March 29, 2008 · Uncategorized · No Comments

(Welcome to the final fight of round 1! Again, there will be no voting for this posting, as one of the opponents was unable to get their article in. So without further ado, here we go! All results and Round 2 matches will be announced tomorrow!)

——

By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

I can hear you already.

You’re saying something along the lines of “How could a trained assassin possibly lose any sort of battle to a one-legged (albeit strapped) stripper?” But a look beneath the surface might just alter your perception. Let’s have a gander…

So here we have Aeon, freedom fighter in a doomed, dystopian society. She’s armed with a regiment of acrobatics, some magical balls that she whispers sweet nothings to, and some guns. She has some funky short hair, cropped close to her head and so black that it’s almost blue and definitely dyed, and she scamps around in tight black leather.

In the other corner, we have little Cherry Darling. Cherry’s not been having a good day — she quits her job, gets into a car accident, and loses one of her legs. Obviously, she’s more pissed than that crybaby Aeon could be — after all, what would you rather have: a domineering, totalitarian government or two legs? On top of all that, a chemical leak/accident/incident nearby has left a number of Cherry’s fellow townspeople feeling a bit… zombie-ish. They’re out to kill/eat anyone in sight. Lucky for Cherry, she has a secret weapon. Her ex-boy toy, El Wray, is handy with “tools” and replaces her pirate stump with a modified stockles-M4 carbine with an M203 grenade launcher (thanks to Wikipedia for that incredibly detailed gun listing; I would have just said “machine gun”).

Now, I’m not sure how and why Aeon and Cherry would be battling, but let’s just suppose that Ms. Flux lives in the same town as Cherry. Aeon’s just been going about her day assassinating people and helping those that can’t help themselves, but it’s getting late. She calls it quits and heads home, only to find her refrigerator shockingly bare. She has her heart set on having a salad with her grilled chicken (helps keep her trim), but alas — no lettuce. Bummer.

So she’s at the grocery store minding her business, getting some salad dressing and croutons and such. She heads to the checkout line when all of a sudden, Cherry pops in line in front of her. What injustice! Feeling slighted (and taking offense for the little people out there that get cut in front of every day but can do nothing about it), Flux challenges Cherry to a battle to the death. Cherry, meanwhile, maintains that Aeon was dilly-dallying right in front of the checkout line, reading the headlines of the Enquirer and US Weekly. Cherry had no time to wait to see what this meandering soul was going to do next, so she saw her place in line and took it.

The grocery store staff can’t make up their minds on who was right and who was wrong (the cashiers are almost uniformly pro-Aeon, but the baggers are siding with Cherry). Since they’re no help, the whole gang heads out to the parking lot to see the score settled.

Right off the bat, it’s clear that Aeon has the edge. Despite lacking her gear and weapons, she’s too fast for the gimpy Darling and hits her upside the head a few times. Bouncing around like a frog on Nodoz, Cherry can’t seem to get a hit in, much less have time to get in the right position to take advantage of her greatest asset. However…

…perhaps that M4 isn’t her greatest asset. The former go-go dancer, despite her ire and her strength, at least gets knocked down by Flux. The cashiers go wild in anticipation of the kill by willowy Flux. But just as she’s about to strike, she notices the position that the curvy Darling is sprawled out in on the ground. It’s too much for her to take; she can’t help but take pause for a moment to stare with wide-eyes wonder at the possibility of partnering up with Cherry. And just like that… boom! Flux has stalled for too long, giving the head-packing Darling more than enough time to regain her composure and blast Flux to smithereens.

The baggers go wild.

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