(Welcome to the first match of the first round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)
Update: Voting has now ended for this match.
A big beautiful mansion, a garage full of expensive cars, and a butler to cater to every single need: these are a few material things that both Bruce Wayne and Lara Croft have in common. Therefore, one must look beyond the materialistic elements of our action heroes in order to make a clear selection of whom I want to split the rent with…or mooch off of.
Although Bruce may be a little off in the head, what with creating an alter ego and all, at least he keeps all things concerning his winged buddy out of the main house. Chances of me getting attacked by his rabid bats or getting in the cross-fire of his training sessions are much less likely, since it all takes place several hundred feet underground. I probably wouldn’t be able to walk in the front door at Lara’s place without getting my head chopped off by that killer robot Simon that she lets run wild. Sure it’s supposed to be harmless and listen to her commands, but you should never trust machinery, especially the kind that can kill you. And what if I take the last Diet Coke and Lara sets that thing after me? I don’t want to spend my days looking over my shoulder for killer robots on the loose. And speaking of Simon, what about its creator, Lara’s little friend, Bryce? That guy has “pervert” written all over him. I don’t want to share the grounds with Lara’s techie geek sidekick, who’s probably up all night glued to his window with a pair of binoculars.
Forget the heroes-in-training though, as Bruce seems way more fun than Lara. He knows how to go out and party. Want to have dinner at the nicest place in town? “Let’s go buy it,” he’d say. When he takes a night off from dealing with the bad guys, Bruce certainly knows how to entertain to keep up his rich, playboy status. Poor Lara just sits at home, doing bungee ballet, hanging out with Bryce (ick!) and crying over her daddy’s memorial out in the garden. The girl simply doesn’t know how to live. And we’d have nothing in common. She’d sit around discussing guns, while I’d want to talk about shoes. The tomboy and sorority girl could never be BFF.
In spite of everything else, I could never live with Lara because let’s face it, I could never bring another guy home and still be dating him the next day. She simply says “Hello” and guys melt into drooling goofballs. Living with Lara would mean living without a love life. The constant jealousy would drive me insane. I just don’t think I’d have such a big problem with Bruce. He may bring the occasional bimbo home, but he wouldn’t try to make the moves on my date.
It’s a clear choice: for my own sanity I would have to answer Bruce Wayne’s “Roommate Wanted Ad.”
Lara Croft would be the best roommate, first because she’s got taste and style in her homes, even when traveling around the world. She’s really smart, building all kinds of devices that make being a superhero easier – outfits, machines, etc. Putting these two together, she even built a room large enough to do bungee-ballet; she’s athletic and creative at the same time. I’m sure she’d be willing to help me put up shelves; superhero kind of shelves that never sag or fall down. Plus, she has lots of experience traveling and knows people all over the world. I bet she’d throw parties at our house that would be terrific for meeting people and experiencing culture at the same time. She was raised in a wealthy home, but doesn’t have the rich kid entitled attitude. She’d clean and decorate with style rather than living in a hole. As a superhero, she’s not secretive so there’s nothing she wouldn’t tell you. You’d know that she was going to find an ancient artifact in
Bruce Wayne/Batman would be a terribly boring roommate. You’d probably have to live with him for 20 years before he even bothered to show you where the bat cave was. Plus, you’d have to pay rent on a place that was able to encompass a bat cave and the slide to it without ever knowing what was there. He’d slip off and be secretive about where he was going, basically driving you crazy knowing he had a secret life that you weren’t allowed to be part of. He’s too secretive to be a good roommate, and unless he brought Alfred, he’s a spoiled rich kid who wouldn’t bother cleaning the toilet or vacuuming ever. He has no friends, so there wouldn’t be any interesting parties or social events he’d invite you to, he’s only part of the boring rich social crowd. Totally the worst roommate to have.