The LAMB Action Hero (Final Round): Lara Croft Vs. Tony Stark.

by Nick Jobe · August 19, 2008 · Uncategorized · 9 Comments

(Welcome to the Final Round and Match of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting for this match has now ended.

—————

It seems fitting that these two made it into the finals – they’re both really rich, good-looking action heroes. On the surface they’re fairly similar, but looking at the specifics about being the roommate of either will reveal huge differences and a clear winner.

1. Lara Croft is crazy smart and kicks butt using her wits and muscles, so there wouldn’t be anything cluttering your apartment

Tony Stark has to build a whole suit in order to kick butt. He’s a pretty wimpy guy without the Iron Man suit that would be in pieces all over the house since he’s a guy and can’t possibly be bothered to clean.

2. Lara Croft travels the world using actual planes, trains, and automobiles (if you will) and thus would probably have room to take you with her on some of these amazing travels.

Tony Stark travels the world, wreaking havoc by flying in a suit. No room for you.

3. And finally, Lara Croft brings class and sophistication to your shared domicile. Good food, good friends, and good conversation. What more could you want?

Tony Stark is a recluse who can barely make time to call his assistant. Hardly a worthy roommate.

Vote for Lara!

—————–

By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

I’m not going to try to convince the mostly-male readership of the LAMB that they’d rather have Tony Stark as their roommate instead of Lara Croft. It’s a losing battle – one that makes words like these pointless. One look at the two potential roomies would be more than enough to seal this battle’s fate.

Or would it?

Now, guys, try to stay with me here. Try hard. Resist going to Google Image Search and typing the words “Lara Croft” with SafeSearch turned off. Ignore the poster for either film. They all mean nothing, adding up to no more than the latest issue of Playboy or The Bare Wench Project. Because, let’s be honest here – were Lara Croft your roommate, that’s about as close as you’d get to her.

Do you really want to play the role of Bryce in Lara’s life – a live-in (or rather, out) techno-lackey, the butt of her jokes forced to stare longingly at her butt? Then, one by one, watching her parade conquests about the house, while off-handedly asking you to re-program some inane robot? Is this the dream roomie you see for yourself? And don’t even get me started on allergies – if a little pollen gets you all sneezy and swollen, can you imagine what kind of fits you’ll be in with the amount the dust that women surrounds herself with? We’re not talking about a layer of dust bunnies on the windowsill, either – we’re talking inches of dead skin and bugs and god knows what else, making their way from all around the world to your nose.

On the other hand, there’s Tony. Tony not only has a kickass mansion, but get this – the dude spends all his time in the basement working on that magic suit of his during the day. You want to watch the Giants game or Point Break? No worries – not only does he not care, he’s got some sweet remotes for you to use (nevermind the 85-inch 2160p widescreen that won’t hit the market for 10 years). From what I hear, he’s even got a spare suit…and the guy’s gone a lot…you do the math.

Tags: , , , , , ,

9 Responses to The LAMB Action Hero (Final Round): Lara Croft Vs. Tony Stark.

  1. Mrs Fletch says:

    I voted for Tony Stark – hot chicks don’t make good roomies, they’re usually a pain in the ass.

  2. Nick says:

    Fletch: I *almost* voted for Tony Stark… you really had a good argument… but then I read the Lara Croft one (even though I’ve had it for like… 2-3 weeks whilst waiting for yours), and she had the better argument, I think… plus, any chance at even a side-boob, and I’d be happy 😛 .

  3. WaywardJam says:

    You had me until Point Break!

  4. Look, Lara’s got her own life. As her roommate, you’re never gonna be anything more than an also-ran. With Tony, ya get to pal around with him, guzzle the finest booze, ogle the finest broads (and Tony’s cast-offs are better than any of Lara’s closest friends…cuz, again, ya ain’t gonna get any tomb raidin’ booty), and you may get to fly around in the suit once in a while. Come on. Tony’s a billionaire. He’s got it to spare. And he ain’t no wimp. Never was, never will be. He’s cool. He’s on your side. You’re fuckin’ roommates, for god’s sake. Just remember: if your hand even brushes Lara’s ass, you’re in for a beating the likes of which will permanently damage the DNA of all of your offspring NMW.

  5. The previous post was for the boys. Now for the girls: You think you’re gonna get any time in the bathroom? You think you’re gonna be able to convince her to turn down her music? And when she’s working out, the living room is hers. You cross her, she’ll royally kick yer bee-hind. And, as nice as she may seem at first, you’ll never be friends. She brings a guy over, you ain’t gettin’ him. You’ll be lucky to get a quick glimpse before the bedroom door slams in yer face. With Tony, even if he’s off limits, the guys’ll be comin over left and right just to play Grand Theft Auto on his movie-screen sized LCD monitor, and to see Anna Kournikova cavorting on his (and your) onyx table. Tony will be sauntering in the bedroom with Anna, leaving tons of horny guys all for you…and not hermunculous ones, either. Plus, maybe you;ll get to fly around in the suit, too. Thank about it: Tony’s the shit!!! (As along as he remembers to keep the seat down—which, hell, he’ll have a machine installed to do that for him, so no worries, gurls).

  6. Fletch says:

    Dean, I’m hiring you as my campaign manager when I run for City Council. Sounds like you’re ready to take part in the next event like this…

    Way to succumb to the side-boob, Nick. She’s just a tease!

    Point Break lost you, Wayne? How dare you.

  7. Nick says:

    Dean: You had a good argument for Tony until you went ‘for the girls’. Because if it’s true for the girls, it would happen for the guy roommates, too (you can’t pick and choose which Tony exists and which doesn’t). So if the roommate is a guy… you just promised them that there will constantly be a bunch of guys crowding the space, even after Tony goes to bed with a woman… leaving you alone in a room full of horny men.

  8. Farzan says:

    Good post, but I think Lara would be the better roomate. You never know, something could happen between us if she was my roommate.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.