(Welcome to the Final Round and Match of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)
Update: Voting for this match has now ended.
It seems fitting that these two made it into the finals – they’re both really rich, good-looking action heroes. On the surface they’re fairly similar, but looking at the specifics about being the roommate of either will reveal huge differences and a clear winner.
1. Lara Croft is crazy smart and kicks butt using her wits and muscles, so there wouldn’t be anything cluttering your apartment
Tony Stark has to build a whole suit in order to kick butt. He’s a pretty wimpy guy without the Iron Man suit that would be in pieces all over the house since he’s a guy and can’t possibly be bothered to clean.
2. Lara Croft travels the world using actual planes, trains, and automobiles (if you will) and thus would probably have room to take you with her on some of these amazing travels.
Tony Stark travels the world, wreaking havoc by flying in a suit. No room for you.
3. And finally, Lara Croft brings class and sophistication to your shared domicile. Good food, good friends, and good conversation. What more could you want?
Tony Stark is a recluse who can barely make time to call his assistant. Hardly a worthy roommate.
Vote for Lara!
I’m not going to try to convince the mostly-male readership of the LAMB that they’d rather have Tony Stark as their roommate instead of Lara Croft. It’s a losing battle – one that makes words like these pointless. One look at the two potential roomies would be more than enough to seal this battle’s fate.
Or would it?
Now, guys, try to stay with me here. Try hard. Resist going to Google Image Search and typing the words “Lara Croft” with SafeSearch turned off. Ignore the poster for either film. They all mean nothing, adding up to no more than the latest issue of Playboy or The Bare Wench Project. Because, let’s be honest here – were Lara Croft your roommate, that’s about as close as you’d get to her.
Do you really want to play the role of Bryce in Lara’s life – a live-in (or rather, out) techno-lackey, the butt of her jokes forced to stare longingly at her butt? Then, one by one, watching her parade conquests about the house, while off-handedly asking you to re-program some inane robot? Is this the dream roomie you see for yourself? And don’t even get me started on allergies – if a little pollen gets you all sneezy and swollen, can you imagine what kind of fits you’ll be in with the amount the dust that women surrounds herself with? We’re not talking about a layer of dust bunnies on the windowsill, either – we’re talking inches of dead skin and bugs and god knows what else, making their way from all around the world to your nose.
On the other hand, there’s Tony. Tony not only has a kickass mansion, but get this – the dude spends all his time in the basement working on that magic suit of his during the day. You want to watch the Giants game or Point Break? No worries – not only does he not care, he’s got some sweet remotes for you to use (nevermind the 85-inch 2160p widescreen that won’t hit the market for 10 years). From what I hear, he’s even got a spare suit…and the guy’s gone a lot…you do the math.