by SebastianGutierrez ·
November 22, 2010 ·
The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!
What it is LAMBs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to watch you drown in the sweet sounds of pain with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character, and leave it to you, the voter, to decide the victor. What’s that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you’ll have it!
But, first a recap!
Last week’s brawl was the closest I have seen yet in my ring of epically epic epicness! The two psycho killers stood on either side, readying their weapons of choice. John Doe readied his knife, and checked to make sure his back up pistol was secure. Hannibal readied his eating utensils, and sharpened his carving knife. The battle began. It was too close to call at the outset, with each fighter dealing a blow for everyone that they received. But then, Doe pulled ahead, performing such gruesome acts of punishment on Hannibal that the good doctor almost relented. But, it was not to be. Hannibal mustered up his strength, and was eventually matching Doe, blow for blow, again. But, then, he pulled ahead, by muttering something to JD about how insecure he is or something. This distressed the sinly serial killer, giving Hannibal an opening to deliver the killing blow. His victim at his feet, Hannibal the Cannibal called for a bottle of Chianti and set about doing what he did best. A lot of people had to be escorted out of the arena due to the gruesome nature of the feast.
The Results Hannibal Lecter: 21 Votes (It’s all the protein in human flesh. It gives you an edge.) John Doe: 18 Votes (Guess he peaked when he killed Mrs. Brad Pitt.)
Well, the demand was just too much, and I was amazed at the turnout of the last one. So, I decided to have another pair of psycho killers go at this week. Both of these guys would have serious beef with the other. One is a narcissistic douche with a horribly cliched taste in music. The other one is on a mission to teach people the errors in their ways. Unfortunately, that usually means killing them in incredibly gory fashion. This one should be fun.
Fighter 1: Patrick Bateman
Meet Patrick. Patrick is a successful Wall Street financier. He is engaged to a pretty woman. He has a close group of friends. He has a bitching apartment, and is in impeccable shape. Unfortunately, he is a narcissistic asshole; he cheats on his fiance with hooker after hooker; he is obsessed with one upping his peers; and he has a habit of butchering people in his apartment. Dude’s got some issues. A troubled man with a penchant for murder, Patrick Bateman is skilled in the use of all manner of sharp things that can killer, ranging from axes, to knives, to nail guns. He ain’t bad with a pistol either. He would have a real problem with his competition in this fight, as Jigsaw has more of a reputation, which is something that Patrick cannot stand. He must kill off this insect so that he can be top dog. Dude’s got some serious issues.
Fighter 2: John Kramer aka Jigsaw
So, this guy is a bit different. Joh Kramer was just a regular guy, until an event changed his life forever. He now lives to test people, to show them how valuable their lives really are. He’s not a killer per-se, but, let’s just forget that little tidbit and just drop him into the category for the purposes of the fight. His method of murder is far more elaborate than anyone else’s. He designs intricate and brutal traps and tests for his victims to navigate. If they can make it out alive, usually after enduring intense psychological and physical trauma, they have passed. If not, they are either torn limb from limb, melted, decapitated, eviscerated, or other forms of gory death. How he will manage to fight Bateman is a mystery, but, if he is able to get him into a trap, then everyone’s favorite Wall Street killer is gonna be in some serious trouble.
As always, let’s not make this a popularity contest. Think it over. Who would actually win? Patrick Bateman may be more capable of a fighter, but, if he falls into one of Jigsaw’s traps, then he is done for. Kramer may be more popular, but, Bateman is far greater physical specimen. Who would be the victor, in the real world?
Seriously people! Send me ideas! I can only think of so many. Send an e-mail to email@example.com or sound off in the comments. I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!
Alright, I think everyone is ready to go. Bateman is sharpening his axe. Jigsaw is building a trap. The crowd is going wild. Let’s make it happen!
Absolutely the best performance of the year in any category (maybe the last few years) and it’s a shame it’s being pushed to the side for, let’s be honest, a sympathy vote for an actor in a what could be argued as a supporting performance who the Academy screwed up on recognizing long ago. Everyone knows Hopkins is the right choice and most are even acknowledging that...yet the vote goes in another direction. It’s frustrating.