What it is LAMBS. Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here (no, I’m not dead), ready to kill off another beloved movie character with Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you, the voted, to decide the winner. What’s that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you’ll have it!
I sincerely apologize for my absence in the past weeks. A combination of finals, disease, end of the year retrospectives, arena maintenance, computer maintenance, and lack of characters willing to step forward all contributed to the bloodless weeks. Well, I’m back, disease free, new year begun, and with finals a healthy 4 months off. I’m ready to get back to work. Let’s do this.
Oh, right, recap. Uhh… yeah. Ginger Rodgers beat Satine. Not surprised.
Moving on. With the new year begun, and the Golden Globes being handed out last night, we are officially in the thick of awards season. Film will be competing against film for ownership of the top spot. Well, my epically epic arena of epically epic epicness is not beneath getting in on the competition. After sending out a memo, ten of the biggest and best of the year got back to me, with each of their respective fighters, ready to dish out the pain. This one is gonna be big.
Fighter 1: Nina Sayers (Black Swan)
Since this ring is not based on which movie was better, but rather on the capabilities of the character, Scott Pilgrim is heavy favorite. With awesome, video game enhanced, kung-fu skills, mad bass skills, and the ability to conjure sword just by saying that he loves someone, all the other combatants this week will need to watch out. He does have the ability to gain extra lives, but, since that would be cheating, use of this skill will result in immediate disqualification. He better watch himself. I’m fair, but I’m strict!
Fighter 6: Mickey Ward (The Fighter)
An actual fighter should prove to be a forced to be reckoned with here. With fists of fury, and a tenacity not becoming of one who values their nose, Mr. Ward is one tough cookie. With his loyal and rehabilitated brother, Dicky, on the sides, shouting words of encouragement, Mickey will be almost unstoppable!
Fighter 7: Woody (Toy Story 3)
Yeah, he’s a toy. Noah was drunk, and look what he accomplished. Woody is mighty small compared to all the other, human sized, competitors, but he has many things in his favor. First, he has the undying loyalty of a bonafide legion of toys. Also, he’s small, so he’ll be very hard to hit. He may not look like much, but this one could prove to be a menace!
Fighter 8: Doug McCray (The Town)
Doug McCray is a good man, but a dangerous one. Skilled with an assault rifle, his quick mind and tactical ability is what will put him over the top. He psychotic partner, Jem, is always at his calling, so there’s that too. Though he has betrayed the one rule of crime, developing a conscience, he is one to be wary of. Also, he may just curse you into oblivion. Seriously, people from Boston are foul mouthed!
Fighter 9: Rooster Cogburn (True Grit)
Yes, he’s a drunk. Yes, he’s fat. Yes, he is probably way past his golden years. See though, he knows all that. An opponent who recognizes his flaws is, sometimes, the most dangerous kind. If he hasn’t been hitting the bottle too much, he is a dead eye with a pistol, and merciless killer. He is also quite good at intimidation. I mean, seeing a dude charge at you, firing two revolvers, and steering his horse with his teeth is a mighty scary sight. Plus, he has an eye patch, which automatically puts him high on the badass meter.
Fighter 10: Mark Zuckerberg (The Social Network)
Ok, this one is kind of a wash. Zuckerberg is kind of a pussy, doesn’t possess any skills in combat, and is more interested in becoming popular than anything. But, since The Social Network is, like, the only movie anyone can talk about this year, he has to fight, so I’m letting him in, if only because it will be really amusing seeing this guy get ripped apart by everyone else. He may surprise us, but probably not.
Alright kids! Let’s make it happen. As always, let’s not make this a popularity contest. The Social Network may be sweeping the awards, but there is no way that Mark can beat Cobb or Mickey or Nina. Seriously, if Mark wins, I’m calling shenanigans. Think it over. Who would actually win here?
Once again, since I can’t say it enough, I need your ideas. I know you have them, so let me hear them. Who do you want to see fight? Send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org, or sound off in the comments.
Ok, time to go. All the contestants are ready. Let’s make it happen!
3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!!!