The LAMB Devours the Oscars: Best Adapted Screenplay

by Rachel · January 26, 2012 · LAMB Devours the Oscars · 12 Comments
Editor’s note: Welcome to the second of a 32-part series dissecting the 84th Academy Awards, brought to you by the Large Association of Movie Blogs and its assorted members. Every day leading up to the Oscars, a new post written by a different LAMB will be published, each covering a different category of the Oscars. To read any other posts regarding this event, please click the tag following the post. Thank you, and enjoy!

By Jason of Invasion of the B-Movies

Ah, the Oscars! The time of year movie geeks orgasm to death. As a guy who watches bad movies and/or horror movies and/or bad horror movies about 360 days a year (I spend a week watching Ingmar Bergman films cause I lost a bet years ago, long story) I don’t really have a lot of investment in the Oscars. I might check out some of the movies nominated at some point. This year they surprised the fuck out of me by nominating some movies I’ve already seen and/or really do wanna see. Of course, those movies don’t fall in the category I get to write about.

What do I get to write about? BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY! Now what the hell does “Adapted Screenplay” mean? Well basically it’s when some people take a story from somewhere else, either a book, a play, or the drunk ramblings of a drunk hobo, and turn it into a movie. Previous years winners have been, uh…The Social Network? Or, uh, Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry? Maybe? Sure, why not?

I’m surprised The Girl Who Played With The Dragon Tattoo’s Fire In A Nest wasn’t nominated in this category. It is a movie based on some hugely popular children’s books, right? I’m guessing they’re children’s books cause it features girls and dragons and the cover of the books look colorful. Well, I gave it as a gift to my 5-year-old cousin last week, and she seems to LOVE it!

Also surprised? The Hangover Part II based on the first Hangover. THERE DYLAN I SAID IT! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!

With that done, let’s take a look at what’s nominated this year shall we? Of course, I haven’t seen any of the movies in this category, so I’m gonna do what I did last year and watch the trailer and try to figure out what the movie is about and if it deserves to win. Cool? Cool. Here we go!

Hugo
Ok so Obi-Wan is this kid’s dad, and there’s a robot. I guess Obi-Wan died in the Clone Wars and of course the kid has to go live with some old guy who’ll probably use him as slave labor in some illegal factory or some shit. He simply shows up at a train station and Borat yells at him for no reason. The kid runs into Hit Girl, who has the key to unlocking this robot and we’re suppose to be all magical and happy and cry or some shit. Yeah…remember when Martin Scorsese made Goodfellas? And Casino? Joe Pesci stabbed a guy in the kneecap with a pen. A FUCKING pen. Ouch.

Will This Win: I have no idea what this is “adapted” from and it looks too god damn mushy. Plus the people who vote for the Oscars are old guys not bored 8-year-olds. So no. And pass. Next!

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
From the people who bought you Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, The Cook, The Thief, The Wife, and Her Lover and…It comes a movie of British people! Talking! In rooms! Outside! In cars! Hey it’s Gary Oldman! He gets to use his accent this time! Will I ever find out what Tom Hardy looks like? No? Ok then!

Will This Win: I’m gonna guess the voters will fall asleep mid-way through so no. Probably not.

Moneyball
So Brad Pitt is handsome and charming and Jonah Hill isn’t. Don’t they make a wacky pair? I guess some baseball team sucks so badly they told Brad Pitt he can be their coach or something? And Brad Pitt hires Jonah Hill to…coach for them as well? Using numbers? Ok I’ll be honest. Sports and math are my two least favorite subjects. I rather talk about anal rape than either one of those, but something about Brad Pitt just makes me want to listen to him, dammit! So anyone who follows sports, did this actually happen? What team is this? Did they win? And doesn’t Jonah Hill look weird skinny?

Will This Win? Do sports movies normally do good at the Oscars? Did Major League win? How about Unnecessary Roughness? Bad News Bears? What about The Sandlot? Aw, dude, I fuckin’ LOVE The Sandlot cause it was more about the kids being funny than baseball you know? Where was I? Oh right.

The Descendants
Umm…I have no fucking idea what this movie is about. Is it two hours of George Clooney just standing there, looking through bushes? That can be a movie now? And it can be nominated for an Oscar? I mean really? I know George is good looking and all but…come on! Now imagine if he did that shit in Batman and Robin. Would THAT have been up for an Oscar? Wow…

Will This Win? You know, I wouldn’t fucking doubt it.

The Ides of March
OH! I get it! It’s a neat idea! So Ryan Gosling is the Brutus character, George Clooney is Julius Caesar and I guess Phillip Seymour Hoffman is Marc Anthony? Wow! This is very clever! I love modern retellings of Shakespeare stuff! Very original and fun! I can’t wait to see how they kill Clooney’s character! Will he be simply stabbed? Or shot a whole bunch of times? Does he actually say “Et tu, Ryan Gosling?” You know what? I should watch this movie! It sounds fucking amazing!

Will This Win? I hope so! It’s an awesome idea! Oooh! How about The Tempest? Maybe Michael Cera as Prospero, Selena Gomez as Miranda, and Ellen Page as The Tempest! Look out Oscars 2013!!

-Jason

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12 Responses to The LAMB Devours the Oscars: Best Adapted Screenplay

  1. I haven’t seen any of these and I think I only really want to see one (and vaguely the rest).

    BUT

    I agree, sequels should be included as “based on.” Which is slightly pointless, since a sequel will never be nominated unless it’s based on a sequel source novel.

    And I just wanted to tell Jason I’m totally stealing his Girl With the… combination because it’s awesome.

  2. JoelB says:

    Actually I’d wish for you to review Tinker Taylor. That would be an amazing review… =)

  3. Dylan says:

    Hilarious post, Jason. Watch the Hugo trailer again, though – that ain’t Obi Wan!

    Also, what Joel said.

  4. i’m still so personally offended that moneyball is even considered here lol. that screenplay was embarrassingly trite and void of character. i am disappointed with sorkin on this one.

  5. Kevyn Knox says:

    First off you should not blow Hugo off so easily. One of the best and most fascinating movies of last year. Sure, it does get mushy at times, but the love of cinema that Scorsese puts in it….well, I’m just saying, go see it.

    And Jude Law was not Obi-wan, was he?

    Also, regarding Candice’s comment,
    Really? I think Moneyball, hands down, is the best screenplay of the year, original or adapted. The film is about as far from trite as one can get. Oh well, different strokes. Perhaps you have to really love the game of baseball to love it as much as I did.

  6. Kevyn Knox says:

    Oh, and I forgot to say (amongst all my griping) that this post is quite heeelarius indeed.

  7. Jason Soto says:

    So I’m the only one who gets Ewan MacGregor and Jude Law mixed up sometimes? Is that why that joke fell flat? Damn. I fail.

    But anything thanks, guys! Normally when I do these posts I get a bunch of stuffed shirt douchebags who goes “WELL I NEVER! The Oscars is a serious time and if you won’t recognize the arts, then go to hell, sir! I SAID GOOD DAY!!” So it’s refreshing to get a lot of love and support.

    And as for “Hugo”, even the good movies I watch in my down/personal time, I don’t watch stuff like “Hugo”. I’m glad you like it and all that, but it’s not for me.
    -Jason

  8. Kevyn Knox says:

    Actually people get me and Ewan McGregor (and Jude Law) mixed up all the time.

    And before anyone bitches, that was a joke by the way. I ma much better looking than either one.

    Seriously though (sort of) Hugo is mainly an homage to film history and preservation and anyone who is into cinema should be into that as well.

    And if you want to talk about films getting robbed in this category, what about Rubber? That is adapted from Hamlet, right? Or was it Macbeth?

    Seriously though (for reals this time), if anything really got robbed it was the screenplay for Drive. A great and much overlooked film (and based on a novel) that should have picked up a bunch of nods in a perfect world.

  9. Very funny stuff here, and oddly, I suspect that there are more than a few Academy members who actually vote this way–check out the trailers, and then put the names on a dartboard!

    By the way: Drunk ramblings of a drunk hobo isn’t far off, and may actually be in contention for next year. See: Being Flynn.

  10. EFC says:

    Hilarious stuff, Jason! I want to see The Descendants win for Adapted Screenplay, even though I’ve yet to see it — because it would make Dean Pelton (or Jim Rash, if you want to be that way) an Oscar winner, and that’s the kind of world I want to live in.

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