Ask The LAMB #4

by Jason Soto · August 17, 2012 · Ask The LAMB · 1 Comment

Can you even HANDLE a fourth edition of Ask The LAMB? I have my doubts! All I need is for you to prove me wrong.

Today’s guest contributor is Andrew from The Stop Button

John from The Droid You’re Looking For Asks:
If you could absorb all the power and abilities of any movie character
by killing and eating them, who would you choose and why?

Lindsay From French Toast Sunday:

Okay first off, let’s get something straight. If I’m ‘killing and eating’ someone, I’m going to do it Kirby-style. Like I’m going to just inhale the person whole with a giant gust of wind courtesy of my mouth. I don’t wanna be a new member of the Donner party clan so if you got a problem with that, TOUGH COOKIES! So if I could inhale and murder a movie character in return for their power I suppose I would have to go with Spider-man. Mainly because being able to have Spidey sense would be dope and I wouldn’t hate having Andrew Garfield in my mouth….I mean…

 
The Great White Dope from TheGreatWhiteDope’s Mecha-Blog-zilla:
Any character played by Sean Connery from 1980 on, because they were some of the most testosterone-loaded, super-human, outstandingly-macho, club-you-over-the-head tough guys ever.  EVER.
 
Andrew:
Since I’m vegan, I’d probably have to go with the sentient, evil plant humanoid from The Thing From Another World. I assume I would inherit his ability to withstand cold and sled dog attacks, which would come in handy in case I wandered into a Jon Peters movie.
 

Yahoo! User #7 Asks:
What is this Movie Called?
Chinese man likes pianos, that’s all i remember

 
Dearest Yahoo! User #7,
 
Man, talk about a vague description, but thankfully I believe I have the answer that you so desperately seek!
 
From what I recall there is a film titled ‘Blue Waffle’ that is indeed about a Chinese man who’s really into pianos. Unfortunately, I cannot remember much else about the movie itself, but I’m sure if you give it a good ol’ Google search you will find something about it.
 
Thanks for the question!
 
Hello Yahoo User #7,
 
After much research, I’ve narrowed it down to 10 possibilities.  One of these movies is Korean and another is Canadian but involves a Japanese pianist.  I’ve included them on the off-chance that you’re racist and you refer to every Asian as “Chinese.”  Here they are in descending likelihood:
 
10) Room With a Wu
9)  Mr. Horrand’s Opus
8)  Five Easy Wontons
7)  Scent of a Xiao Bao Bei
6)  An American in Guangzhou
5)  Play It Again, Jiao-Long
4)  88 Qis
3)  Errant Love
2)  For Horowitz
1)  The Pianist (1991)
 
Hope this solves the mystery.
 
Jason:
I’m not entirely sure the movie you’re describing really exists. I mean it’s a known fact that Chinese people are allergic to pianos. BUT! What if we made a movie ABOUT a Chinese person playing a piano? We could cast, I dunno, a Chinese actor. OH! Or maybe this could be the perfect opportunity for Yao Ming to start acting! The piano might be tricky. It just sits there, does nothing, and lets random dudes finger it…OOH! Kristen Stewart! Filming will begin tomorrow!
 

I really want to make a mashup of The Room and The Dark Knight, but I’m afraid Tommy Wiseau might sue me like he threatened the Nostalgia Critic. Should I do it anyway?
Your friend, WiseauSerious?

 
Dear WiseauSerious,
 
What I love about this question is that it touches on what is perhaps the greatest question of our time: “Should I gamble my personal security and professional reputation by putting something on the Internet that will exist forever and ever and ever — possibly causing emotional harm and legal action — because I think it’s awesome?”
 
I can understand why you’re nervous that Tommy Wiseau will sue — he did go after the Nostalgia Critic. But do you think Wiseau’s serious, WiseauSerious? Even if he had an entire law firm working around the clock pro bono, Mr. Wiseau couldn’t possibly take legal action against everyone who takes shots at him or uses clips from The Room in their YouTube shenanigans.
 
So I think we all know what you have to do: Have Tommy Wiseau play the part of Batman/Bruce Wayne in your mashup. No one will ever sue you if you’ve made that person out to be the Batman.
 
Dylan From Man, I Love Films:
Of course you should.  What are you, chicken?  Cheep cheep cheep! Ahahaha!
 
The Great White Dope:
Of course you should: any publicity is good publicity.  And if a guy threatens to sue you, make sure and spread the threat ALL OVER THE INTERNET – it’ll make people more than willing to look for it… then you can clandestinely sell copies at comic-cons the country over (not that I condone such activity *wink wink*) and get enough money to do an unauthorized biography of Tommy Wiseau (“Not-So-Wiseau-Guy”).  In short: TAHR DEM APAR, LEESAR!
 

Yahoo! User #8 Asks:
How many movies do you have to watch a year to be considered a film buff?
I’ve seriously gotten into movies in the last year and a half, and
this year I am on pace to watch about 700 total movies this year. Do
you think i have the right to call myself a film buff?

 
Andrew:
I’m not sure you should buff film unless you’re being exceptionally gentle. I don’t have any film on hand but the Internet suggests it’s about a tenth of a millimeter thick. You can’t buff material that thin with anything coarse.
But 700 films in one year does sound like a lot of buffing. Unless it’s the same film 700 times. That goal is more than two films a day. I think there are a lot of film buffs out there who probably don’t watch one film a day. There are definitely professional film critics out there who don’t watch a film a day.
Doing further research, I checked with the Oxford English Dictionary and it turns out “buff” started its life as a synonym of enthusiast back when the FDNY had a lot of onlookers. The firefighters back then wore buff coats and eventually their onlookers became known as buffs.
Buff coats, if I’m reading the OED right, are coats made out of buffalo leather. So, in answer to your question, I’m not sure if how many films actually matters. You might just want to watch movies wearing buffalo leather attire.
Or maybe while eating buffalo jerky, which might be easier to come by than a buffalo leather coat.
 
Simon From Screen Insight:
This is jokes. Big time. I personally never get round to watching “enough”. I’m amazed at how many films people watch – “I’ve watched 2million films this week”. How did they do that? Don’t they have a job? Don’t they have a partner to romance? Don’t they have friends to get drunk with?
 
It’s not about quantity – it’s about quality. For me, I’m all about classic film – but you can fill in your own specialism here. I always think to myself that if someone who is big into ‘classic film’ says to me “You haven’t seen [fill in film here] – and you call yourself a film buff?”. I need to judge if that film is important. If I haven’t seen the latest Nic Cage film, it doesn’t really matter on the grand scale of things to me. Other films do matter to me. I know this because I have (a) heard it mentioned so much in print-press and through respected-sources or (b) everyone and their uncle is talking about the film. A good example of (b) would be something like THE RAID: REDEMPTION. I didn’t read much about this but it seemed like everyone was discussing it and crucially, saying it was brilliant. The recent Sight & Sound poll lists 10 films as the Greatest Films of All Time. Thats a highly respected list and you could watch those 10 films and read about WHY they are rated so highly and then explore further. Why watch 700 films when you could watch 10 which, in the vast majority of cases, even people who claim to film buffs haven’t seen. It’s by no means definitive, but its a starting point.
 
This is very-much my way of doing things, as a classic-film lover. If you are a big B-Movie film-viewer read what respected B-Movie reviewers recommend: what are their top 10? I would consider Kim Newman as he has been watching B-Movies for Empire Magazine for years.
 
Can you call yourself a film buff? You can call youself whatever you want – it doesn’t matter. Maybe think about what YOU define a film-buff to be and then use that as your goal.
 
Jason:
Well, obviously no one ever sat down and told you the different levels of “movie fan” there is.
0-50 movies per year=You clearly only go to the theater when Kevin James releases a movie.
51-200 movies per year=You have a Netflix subscription but only put on Michael Bay films.
201-500 movies per year=You have a Netflix AND Blockbuster subscription. And seen all the films of Andy Warhol.
501-1000 movies per year=You know who Kenneth Anger is.
1001-1 Million Movies Per Year=You are a member of the LAMB. And a true movie buff. REPRESENT!
 
And that’ll do it. If YOU have a question or problem or situation that you need answered or solved by us, PLEASE send them in to invasionofthebmovies@gmail.com. If you have a movie blog, please tell me the name of your blog so we can link.
 
Thanks for reading!
-Jason

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One Response to Ask The LAMB #4

  1. Nick says:

    That WiseauSerious guy has like… the greatest name ever. It’s just… so punny. I wish *I* had made up that name… (*cough*)

    Good stuff!

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